Official Press Release

A Nuanced Apology

OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE: A Nuanced Apology

For Immediate Distribution

SUBJECT: Our Reckoning, Our Redemption, Our Road to Healing

To Our Esteemed and Deeply Wounded Audience,

We come before you today not as the infallible podcasting icons we once believed ourselves to be, but as mere mortals—flawed, humbled, and forever changed by the catastrophic fallout of our actions. Posting this statement is the hardest thing we’ve ever done, but we believe it is the first step toward repairing the fragile, shattered trust between us and the community we have so carelessly betrayed.

We have failed you.

On March 18th—a date that will live in infamy—we posted a tier list video wherein we ranked many podcasts that we had never listened to.

Our ignorance is indefensible. The pain we have inflicted? Immeasurable. Through the tireless labor of our many counselors, life coaches, essential oil distributors, and a few really intense Twitter threads, we have finally come to terms with the gravity of our sins. We are now committed—fully, unequivocally, and performatively—to Podcast Justice.

We recognize that even addressing this issue publicly risks reopening old wounds, and for that, we are sorry. But our failure was public, and so our apology must be as well. In the spirit of transparency, we present our Seven-Point Plan for Restoration:

1. The “NO” Before “Room for Nuance” Debacle

We naively assumed that by adding the word “NO” before “Room for Nuance,” people would immediately grasp that we were engaging in a more fun, less serious, ranking episode. Clearly, this was a fatal miscalculation.

2. Crimes Against B-Tier Podcasts

We are ashamed that we callously ranked certain podcasts in the B tier without having listened to them first, failing to recognize that this act was tantamount to stealing the very bread from the mouths of struggling podcasters. We now understand that even a lighthearted placement in a fun video has the power to financially cripple entire ministries. For this, we apologize, knowing that a mere apology can never undo what’s been done, but a journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. In time, perhaps, the wounds may heal. (DV)

3. The Sin of Omission: Neglecting the Rest

To the countless podcasts that we failed to include, we offer not just an apology, but a post facto placement of your show in the S Tier—"S" not only standing for "sigma", but also for a "small token of our deep regret for marginalizing the true unsung heroes of the faith". Forgive us for centering Big Eva podcasts while ignoring the faithful remnant broadcasting from their basements. Truly, the last shall be first.

4. Postmil Neglect: A Grim Error

To dem postmil boys who were unjustly ignored, through many tears we take courage for the future, taking solace only in the fact that you already know things will get better. Your unwavering optimism is the only thing keeping us from the full despair our actions could lead us to.

5. Haunted Cosmos: A Gross Misjudgment

We see now that Bigfoot is, in fact, a demon. We acknowledge that ghost ships are real. Something really was happening on that ranch. Our failure to properly rank Haunted Cosmos in the S Tier was a theological and scientific blunder of historic proportions. We are committed to doing the research moving forward, by faith and reason investigating every bump in the night--aliens, ghosts, and el Cucuy. We will leave no stone of the so-called “superstitious” unturned.

6. To @TXPB: A Hero Among Us

To the courageous YouTube commenter who called for the immediate removal of our video, we hear you. We respect you. We acknowledge your moral superiority. However, in the spirit of historical accountability, the video must remain. It will serve as an eternal monument to our folly, a warning to future generations about the dangers of podcast hubris. Please do continue to keep us accountable on future episodes (if grace grants us any).

7. To Those Who Simply Enjoyed the Banter: We Hold YOU Accountable

While we certainly don't desire to shift the blame, it must be acknowledged that your passive enjoyment of our show makes you an accessory to our misdeeds. You came for casual, good-natured entertainment, and instead, you gave credence and credibility to three dudes just having a good time. You all have the spirit of an enabler, a passive voice in the face of injustice. We call on you to join us in sackcloth and ash, in hopes that perhaps you, too, might receive a full cleansing and pardon from those who have been wronged.

Our Path Forward

We do not know when—or if—we will return to the public sphere. Our journey to restoration is going to involve much time in counseling, aroma therapy, and broad podcast streaming (we’ve got a lot of homework to do). Until then, please allow us the space to heal, grow, and learn.

We will come back when we are ready.
And when you, dear fans, are ready to trust us again.

Until that day, we remain:
Humbled. Chastened. Unworthy.

Signed,
[Podcast Hosts in Exile]